Isabel

Sending love and prayers to Ruby as she remembers her sweet baby girl Isabel.

Good-bye September

September has come and gone and I breathe a sigh of relief. I survived. Again. I have a feeling S's next birthday, her 10th, will be particularly hard. But I'm not going to dwell on that now. Her 9th birthday brought some smiles and also some tears. My MIL didn't remember her birthday or the anniversary of the day she died. When DH talked to her and mentioned it to her, she even admitted that she had forgotten. I don't think she could ever do anything that could ever hurt us more than forgetting. I'm trying not to dwell on it too much, but I'm not sure how to let go of that pain. Many other people did remember (and for them I am so grateful), so I am having a hard time understanding how her own grandmother could forget.

The Walk to Remember was yesterday. We didn't go. I didn't even think about going. And I feel okay about that.

Nine

Happy 9th birthday, Sweet Girl. You are missed and loved more and more each day. Every day that passes brings me closer to the day that I will hold you in my arms again. Only this time there will be no more sad good-byes.

Tomorrow

It's here again. Well, almost. September 17th. Nine years ago today we were touring the Special Care Nursery to try and prepare us for what we would face the next day. It didn't help at all. Syd.ney was so much sicker than any of those babies were. None of those babies died. Every single one of those babies went home, grew up, and have celebrated their 9th birthdays. Instead of planning a birthday party, I have asked friends and family to do a Random Act of Kindness in honor of Sydn.ey's birthday. I got the idea from another angel mother. My beautiful baby girl continues to touch lives. I miss her so much.

The memory of a memory

Today has been one of those days. One of the days that I miss S so much I can hardly breathe. It hurts. Everything reminds me of her. I want to hold her again. I want to kiss her soft forehead and sing in her ear. I feel like I'm forgetting what she was like. Like I'm only remembering the memory of a memory. That probably doesn't make sense but that's how I feel. She seems so far away. Too far. I can't remember how she felt in my arms anymore or how her kicks felt while she was in my womb. I don't want to forget anything about her. It's only been nine years. How much will I have forgotten when it's been 20? When she should be celebrating her 20th birthday, the same picture will still be hanging on the wall while all around her those of her siblings will be those of teenagers and young adults. Why can't she be here? I just want to hold her again. I want her to be healthy and have strong bones. I want to hear her giggle and see her smile. I want to comb her hair and rub her back. I just want her here. Where she belongs.

She should be here

We had a birthday dinner at my parents' house for my sister this evening. All of the grandkids were there. It was such a blessing to sit back and hear them running through the house chasing one another and laughing. It's rare that we're all together. Since I take pictures of everything, I wanted to get a picture of my grandmother with all of the great-grandchildren. I also got a picture of my parents with all of the grandkids and then one of just the kids. My mother made sure that someone was holding S's picture. That means so much to me. But I can't help but think about how she should have been there, running through the house chasing her cousins. I miss her so much, especially on nights like tonight. I want to hold her again. I'm tired of grieving. Tired of simply surviving the days from July through September. Year after year after year. It's never going to end. I will never stop missing her.

Nine short years

Nine short years ago when I laughed, I laughed with my whole heart. When I smiled, I truly smiled and didn't just pretend. Nine short years ago I could easily answer the question "How many children do you have?" without hesitation. I could look at baby girls with big sisters without a sense of sadness. Nine short years ago I had never heard of osteogenesis imperfecta type 2 or thanatophoric dysplasia. I never knew babies could suffer broken bones while still in the womb. Nine short years ago July 5th and July 12th were just ordinary days. September 17th and September 22nd meant nothing special to me. Nine short years ago I didn't spend a part of each holiday at the cemetery. I didn't buy toys and flowers to decorate a grave. Nine short years ago I didn't cry on Mother's Day. I wasn't cranky and moody from July until September. Nine short years ago I was innocent. Nine short years ago I was naive. Nine short years ago I was happy. Only nine short years.

K's loss

My niece has been staying with us for a few days. She is leaving tomorrow. It's times such as this that I think more about what K is missing with S gone. K, our oldest, is 11. She and S are almost three years apart. I think they would have been good friends. Instead, K is missing out on that relationship. Our next two children are boys and are only 16 month apart. They are best buddies. Then our daughter G is three. She's much too young right now to be the sister that S would have been to K. So many times K is left out either simply because she is a girl or because she is older and more mature than the others. She doesn't want to play what they are playing. When I see how much she has enjoyed this time with her cousin, it makes me even sadder that S is not here. So many times K is off by herself. Yes, she has friends, but none of them live near us. She can't simply go next door or down the road to play with a friend. I don't know how often she thinks of S or if she realizes how her life should be. Sometimes I grieve more for her and her loss than I do for my own. I miss you, S. So Very Much.

This and that

An older distant cousin that I hadn't seen in years was at church yesterday morning. I spoke to her before Sunday school and right before church she came over to me. She asked, "Did you lose a baby a few years ago?" Talk about being completely caught off guard! I don't mind talking about S but I don't think I've ever been asked something quite so bluntly. It was a little strange.

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We finished our first year of homeschooling on May 20th. I am so proud of the kids and all they accomplished. I'm proud of myself as well.

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I'm taking a photography class. It's only for four weeks but I'm really enjoying it. One of the teachers is involved with Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. After our first class, I told him how much I appreciated his being a part of that organization.

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July 5th is just right around the corner. Again. We're actually leaving that day for a short vacation. I can't believe it will be nine years since we found out...

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I went private for a few days because I had made a stupid mistake. Instead of staying private, I deleted any posts that I wouldn't want those IRL reading. I don't like not having the freedom to say what I want though.

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My oldest son N turns 8 tomorrow. He recently got a new haircut and now he looks so much older. Where is my little boy?

Holding on

Our church has a Mother/Child Dinner each year for Mother's Day. Following the dinner there is always a short program. This used to be one of my favorite parts of the dinner. However, I've been unable to attend since S died. I still go to the dinner but I leave immediately afterward. I don't feel like sitting there fighting the tears. Two months ago I was asked if I would like to be in charge of this year's program. Without even considering it, I said no. I gave a brief explanation but I know she didn't understand. How could she? She has never lost a child. Two weeks ago I was approached by another member wanting to know if I would like to participate in a small part of the program. Again, I answered no and explained why. The night of the dinner as we were eating dessert the kids asked if we were staying. I said no. Why? They wanted to stay? Why? Why? I didn't tell them it was because of S. I felt that wouldn't be fair. I didn't offer any explanation really. But I just didn't want it to be S's fault, if that makes sense. Since then I've been thinking. Should I stay? Am I making it harder than it should be? What is the worst that could happen? But, deep down, I don't want to want to stay. I'm perfectly fine with going home after we eat. Why do I care what others think? Is it okay to still do what's best for me or do I need to start focusing more on not holding on quite so tightly?